Gender Reveal Parties Just Reveal Stupidity
Cracker Barrel, insurrections, and gender reveals: the three things most celebrated by white Americans. Since the late 2000s, society has (for some reason) normalized the celebrating of a baby’s gender being revealed. Meanwhile, when your 25 year old cousin, Chris, tells the family he’s hoping to become Christina, suddenly Christmas is “ruined”.
While most critics mention the danger some of these reveal stunts may cause or how these parties reinforce gender stereotypes, my beef with them goes beyond that.
You expect me to cancel my Sunday brunch plans to come to your backyard get together? And for what? To find out whether your kid will sit down to pee or be a girl. The obsession straight people have over a child’s gender is giving all kinds of “groomer” energy. It’s almost as if the call has been coming from inside the house this entire time.
Listen, if you want to get me onboard with gender reveals, you gotta do it in a way that appeals to my interests. That’s why I think all gender reveals going forward need to be done like the breakfast door knocking on an episode of The Traitors. Do you know what I’m talking about? The morning after a murder and they try to guess who’s coming to breakfast based on their knock. Medium knock? Its a boy. Light knock? Its a girl. EXTREMELY heavy knock? Now that’s a lesbian. Congratulations Mr and Mrs Smith, you’re having a stud.
You know what I would LOVE to stop seeing on TikTok? Those gender reveal parties where they film family members guessing the gender before the big announcement. I say this mainly because the families usually look…let’s just say…mentally “regarded”. They look like they have been “promoting from within” for awhile. It’s very the Hills Have Eyes AND siblings for parents. Listen: if the baby’s parents met at a family gathering in any way, I’m all for the State stepping in for a a “forcible eviction”. I mean, there’s shitting in a gene pool, and then there’s just full blown diarrhea. Plus those TikTok videos are all the same. “I’m your aunt Cindy and I think youre going to be a girl.” Or “I’m your Meemaw, and I think you’re going to be a boy.” And finally “I’m your Uncle Chester and I think you’re going to be hot.” In the South, it’s always the uncles.
Another thing I’d love to stop seeing on social media: pregnancy announcements where they gift family members the pee stick. Uhhhh! DISGUSTING! You peed on that Now you’re putting it in a giftbox to present it at the dinner table? That’s where you eat! Most of the time they don’t even think to put it in a ziploc bag either. Just making grandma raw dog it in her fist. I swear, only straight people would be crazy enough to do shit like that. If gays presented their families with something at the dinner table they peed on, they’d just say “This is my boyfriend, Michael”.
