I Will Say This Though About Slow Walkers

Over the years I’ve been able to hone several abilities that some might refer to as “gay superpowers”. As a teen, I learned how to change the topic of conversation in under 5 seconds whenever a relative questioned me about a “girlfriend”. In university I learned to communicate telepathically with closeted gays especially when they were dating a close girlfriend of mine. As an adult, I’ve learned how to truly tell a guy’s dick size in any photo based on the angle at which the picture was snapped. Boys, unless you’re including a Coca Cola bottle as a side by side for comparison, I’ll always assume its average at best. 

One gay superpower I take great pride in is the speed at which I walk, especially living in such an urban city as Toronto. If you ask any queer person, they’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Maybe its a side effect of the “gay gene”, or maybe homos are just use to fight or flight scenarios so we instinctively have a bit more oomph in our step than others. Who knows! Whatever the reason, being able to beat my iPhone’s suggested walking times always feels like a little, personal victory. Take that Steve Jobs!

I first noticed this ability in my 20s when meeting up with some straight gal pals. We’d be walking the streets, chatting up a storm while deciding on a spot to eat, and when I’d turn around they were suddenly a block behind me. My friends were confused about how I hadn’t even noticed, meanwhile I was confused about who I was telling intimate details to about the guy I blew the night before. There is someone out there who got an earful about me getting a mouthful and I hope they’re doing well, especially in their therapy sessions.

As I’ve aged, the pace at which I walk has increased but my patience for others has not. I get people are burnt out and more tired than ever in the hellscape that is Ontario under Doug Ford, that’s why most mornings downtown Toronto is reminiscent of The Walking Dead. But for the love of Cher, can we pick up the pace a bit, people? For a gay living here it’s more than aggravating when you have a decent speed and pace going on the way to grab an overpriced iced coffee and you encounter someone walking as though they’re touring a minefield. Honey, the only thing that’s going to explode is my temper. You might also lose a limb especially if I haven’t had my coffee yet. 

My walk down Yonge Street the other day that usually takes ten minutes doubled to twenty. Why? Because I was stuck between couples and groups of incredibly slow walkers who spread out and took up all the space like a cat on your bed at 2am. It’s not like these pedestrians can blame window shopping for their leisurely strolls. Have you seen Yonge Street lately? There’s nothing to look at but chicken restaurants, vape shops, and UberEats drivers waiting for their next pickup notification. 

Recently I’ve found myself using the bike lanes in the city more frequently and I don’t even own a bike. This city has put such an emphasis on these bike lanes the last few years that I feel its time we do something similar on the sidewalks, especially for the gays. Forget the rainbow flag crosswalks! Give us a fast pass lane like an amusement park so we can walk to work, dinners and our anonymous hookups without any slow ass heteros getting in the way. A lane where we can arrive 10 minutes sooner than the Maps app suggested we would, despite somehow still arriving 30 minutes later than the time we were supposed to be there. What can I say? Gays being punctual is certainly not one of our superpowers after all.